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Friday, February 7, 2014

A List, Because I'm Very Bored and My Husband is Right, But Don't Tell That To Him

1.  For years I have been hounding Wood to let me quit my job and stay the hell home.
What the HELL was I thinking.  I always say, "Well if I didn't have to work, shit would get done around here!"  Ha! Very funny, Mandy.  Been off two days and what have you done?
-3 loads of laundry
-swept the floors (need swept again)
-loaded the furnace like 6 times (6 times in like 8 years?  Can't even count that.)
-smoked 2 packs of Marlboros
-started one slightly slutty paranormal book that keeps me yelling at the Kindle, "Shoot that MF'er!  He's a DEMON, you whore!", at which point my husband knocks on the bathroom door and asks me if I might require a spoon. (Apparently any sounds of distress provoke Wood into trying to help the poor constipated bastard in the john, i.e., a spoon.)
-ate an entire family size bag of Chex Mix
-made a peanut butter pie and some dog treats
-wasted like, I don't know, 8 hours on Blogger laughing out loud in an empty house like a crazy person
-made calls to the NCAAP and the Rev. Al Sharpton after I was a victim of racism, and it really hurt my chicken-shit feelings.
-texted Wood and told him to pick up whipping cream and milk due to aforementioned clusterf&$^
-I cut off my hair
-successfully drank enough Tom Collins while watching Sister Wives that I'm pretty sure Christine hates me now, but that broad hates herself.
-cuddled with my furbaby Petey and told him that he didn't need to worry, Mommy would protect him and direct the zombies to her stepchildren first.

2.  Tomorrow I turn 29.  Jesus, does everyone feel this way.  I woke up and have freaking "fine lines and wrinkles", I found not one, but TWO damn gray hairs yesterday.  And my knee feels arthritic.  If this is 29, I'm punching 30 right in the kisser.

3.  Don't you hate it when you are home, and your husband is at work and you start feeling all domestic?  I should have thought this little vay-cay out.  He's at work, I'm at home= I have to cook dinner.  This morning before my coffee high wore off I promised him fried chicken, homemade biscuits, gravy and greens.  Now its almost 4 o'clock and he'll be home in like thirty minutes, and the only thing I have going for me is a good hair day.  I don't want to fry no chicken!  That was another woman who said that...

an energetic 28-year-old.

Maybe it's not too late to convince him to pick up some Gin and some tenderloins from the pub?

5 comments:

  1. You make me laugh. :) I'm trying to figure out how you're going to be 29 and you have a 17-year-old stepson. Hell, child, I thought I married old. He's 10 years older than me and his freakin' kid is STILL younger than mine. Not by much, but still.

    Enjoy 29. That's the year I married my "old' husband. That was almost 15 years ago, so I'm older now than he was when I married him. Time flies.

    Have fun. Smoke a couple Marlboros for me, because I gave them up about the time I married my old man....

    xoxo
    andi

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    1. Oh...and turn off your word verification. :)

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    2. I turned off word verification, just for you :)

      I'll do my famous Mandy math for you and you'll either blow your mind or want to run and fetch me Jerry Springer to sort this mess out, but please keep an open mind, and don't be like the bitties who whisper about us (just kidding, that crap cracks me up :):

      When I was 15, my mom got remarried (finally) to the love of her life, who is 17 years younger than her. (They now look and act like they are about 40.) Mandy Math fact #1

      Mandy Math Fact #2: Whilst out at a friend's house who had walked through a fire pit the weekend before (not a joke), I was using my nursing skills to try and keep him from going into septic shock on his bathroom floor, by using REALLY ADVANCED medicine, called hydrogen peroxide, neosporin, and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY...a bandaid. So we are sitting on his floor and some man walks in his house, looks right at me, and says, 'Who the hell are you?" and I said my name and he asked me what I did... uh, okay, weird thing to ask, so I said I was a nurse, and he walked off and just goes "Hmmph." (Holy run-on sentence, there.) So I told my friend later, that I thought this man was an arrogant SOB. Long story short, we became best friends after a couple months and shakily started seeing one another because I was 21 and hated all men, and didn't trust any of them. The part that kills people is we really honest to the Lord didn't know how old the other was for months. I figured him about 33-35. He had me at about 25-28. It wasn't till he mentioned something that I knew had happened in the 60's that I made him show me his ID. He was born in 65. He was shocked to find I was born in 85. Then when I met his kids, his oldest daughter was in the same class as my little sister (they are 23), his middle daughter is 18, and the youngest, that lives with us is 17.

      I took that "Age ain't nothin' but a number" thang, and took it a step further.

      It may help to know that my husband acts like a 15 year old most of the time.

      And that by technicality, I have a grandkid at the age of 29.

      What I tell people is this:
      He called me and didn't play games & he says what he means and doesn't use innuendos. There was no smoke breaks at my job with my girlfriends ciphering out his text messages. It was refreshing. If I tick him off, he tells me. When he figured out he love me, he just came on out with it.

      People said they gave us 6 months. That was almost a decade ago.

      :)

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    3. Hey, no judgments here. I dated a guy 15 years older than me before I met Phil. I never sensed a real age gap there either. And my ex-husband's wife was a grandma at age 32. And it WAS her actual grandkid. :)

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    4. LOL! Holy smokes! Well, my husband wasn't a papaw til he was 48, so I guess it could've been more ackward. :)

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